haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
