Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
