I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
