I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize