Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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