I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
