i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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