ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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