Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
