I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
