woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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