My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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