i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Every concussion has its silver lining
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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