Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
