Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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