Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
