The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize