I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
