I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
