Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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