I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
