She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
