he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
