So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
