I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
