i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
