I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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