Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
