If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize