can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Acid is not a monday night drug
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
