My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
