please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
