The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
