...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
