Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
