god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
