When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
