Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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