What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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