i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
