Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
