when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
