Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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