The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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