if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
