All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
