You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
