My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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