just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
