I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
