i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
