Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
