my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
