I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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