I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
