How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
