My Higher Power is John Stamos
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
