I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Ladies don't puke and tell
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
