dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
