I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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