Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
farters have to be the big spoon...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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