Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The feeling are messing with the penis
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
