Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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