wakey wakey hands off snakey
People in love make me want to vomit
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
