is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
